Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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