I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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