the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
