***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i drank out of a bidet.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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