My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize