He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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