i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
