is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
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