She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
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Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
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Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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