Umm I'm too high to move.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
