dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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