The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
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And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
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I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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