Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
