Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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