For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
