got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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