I hate your face
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
