If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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