Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
