i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
