I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
