guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
