It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
