I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Randomize
