i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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