Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize