i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
