WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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