I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
