No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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