He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
