Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
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