when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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