I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
