One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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