I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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