That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
