OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
