Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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