its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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