I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
