fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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