I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
