If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
