Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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