I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My vagina just recognized that song.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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