I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
