Best friends brother. Beat that.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
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