worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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