my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The struggles of a small town man whore
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
