maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
