I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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