I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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