you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I stole a fireplace last night.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
